Well, I'm FOUR years old today! I can't believe how quickly these four years have passed. I'm surprised to find that I don't remember most of it. Part of that may be that I haven't done much in all that time, but it's mostly because of my anoxic brain injury. Hard thing for me to accept, but what choice do I have? That's the way it is... and I live with it, that's all.
It would have been impossible to get this far alone, without a support group.
It is hard to say just what "support" really means. Sometimes, it is like an ocean, at times very rough. A long, wooden board floats on the water. I have my hands on it - sometimes wrapping one arm around it so I can keep my head above water while I sleep - but at least one hand on it, always. It would be a very lonely existence if not for the others, themselves lost at sea, who have taken hold of this same piece of driftwood. And so my life goes on, pretty much without me it seems, but I'm not alone. I have my friends. Some let go, preferring to sink or swim on their own. New ones come along to replace them.
I carve another notch into the wood with my fingernails, the fourth so far, hoping I'll remember. Next year, it will be five notches if the sharks and such don't take me.
Fins, dark and scary, circle around us. Now and then, something heavy under the water bumps hard against my legs. It passes by... rubbing roughly as it goes. I try to remain calm... and be still. I tell myself, "This too shall pass." And it does.
These hungry feeders - chest pains, high blood pressure, tiredness, insomnia, amnesia, unusual heartbeats - they never leave. They just circle round and round. As if they are waiting for their dinner to be ready... al dente.
Worse yet, are the sea birds. They come down and peck away at me without mercy. They steal memories from my head as easily as the shore birds pull worms from the ground. They are relentless.
But, I have my friends. They have their troubles and I have mine. We can't do much for each other except to tell ourselves that "soon it will be better". We're not afraid of the water anymore. It would be easy to just let go, sink, and be done with it. The sharks and birds won't bother us if we sink, but no one wants to let go of the board - not just yet. And so, we hang on...
We ARE the survivors.
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